For parts 1 and 2 click here and here…
On to the cruise. We get on the ship, and within the first day or two my little sister Katherine comes down with the flu. Baaaad time, she was in bed for a few days and missed one or two of our port days, poor baby. She really felt nar-sty. Being the brat that I am, and being the baby that she is, she was whining asking what on earth could I do to help her feel better. We had already raided the ship’s gift shop or dayquil, nyquil, sudafed and everything in between. So feeling silly, I recommended that she rub the soles of her feet with vicks vap-o-rub, as I had hear that that helped with colds (I had never heard that, but it was really funny to see my sister Claire rubbing Vicks into Katherine’s feet).
I have two pairs of J.Crew flip flops that I have had since college. They are the kind with the elastic straps. If you have them, you understand my love for them, why if someone ever took them from me I would be flip-a-table-over crazy mad. The problem is, I’ve had them so long there is 0% traction on them. This presented a problem when I first boarded the ship. We had not even left port yet and THREE times I wiped. out. Like legs came out from under me, the world went into slow motion, and I slammed down hard on my rear end. People, gasped, people started, people ran to my aid. I call them my water skates, because if they meet the least bit of water it is MAN DOWN. It was the beginning of the cruise and we hadn’t had out bags delivered to our rooms yet, for the first few hours I couldn’t change shoes and I was slipping and sliding all over the place. Of course.
By 8:00 that night, my sister Claire had still not had her bag delivered to our room. She naturally began to freak out that she wouldn’t have any clothes the whole trip, I calmed her down and assured her that someone had probably accidentally grabbed it and it would turn up. We ended up going down to the front desk to see what the deal is. We get there and tell them her name. “Claire Daniel? You’re bag has been confiscated. A weapon was found in it so you will need to go to security on deck 3 to claim it.” Weapon? Then it dawned on us, we had all gotten Cutco kitchen knives for Christmas. I had left mine at home, but since Claire and Katherine were flying straight back home after the cruise they took theirs with them. Somehow Katherine’s slipped through the cracks, but Claire, the dangerous criminal she is, had to go down to the bowels of the ship to reclaim her bag and sign a waiver so that they could hold her “weapon” for the length of the cruise. When we got down there, I couldn’t control myself laughing, her bag had a big thing of tape on it that said “CONFISCATE- KNIFE.” The security guards did not think it was as funny.
I often get migraines. The range from meh pretty bad to oh-Lord-Jesus-if-I-could-peel-myself-off-the-floor-to-call-911-I-would. On one of our port days I got a migraine that was somewhere in the middle, which means it was pretty bad. By the time I got back on the ship with my two sisters I was about to black out from pain. There was a spa attendant down near the gangway so my sisters asked her where the nearest place as to get Advil. She was such a sweet, sweet woman. (Shout out to Princess Cruise lines, you all rocked). Seeing that I was in obvious pain, she sat me down right there on the floor of the lobby, in front of everyone embarking (rebarking? I don’t know) the ship and proceeded to give me the. most. amazing. head massage ever. It was glorious. I didn’t care that people were looking, or that I was only in a skirt and a bikini top and my tummy rolls were lopping over. Bless her heart, my head felt 75% better within two minutes.
At this point in time I had no idea where I was or what was happening…
Nor did I care that everyone and their uncle was staring at me…
All I know is it felt really good…
And thank the Lord for sisters who will seize the opportunity to snap ridiculous photos of you…
On ship they had a huge movie screen above one of the pools, on which they played episodes of The Love Boat on a loop. I had never seen LB before, but before long I was hooked. I couldn’t help but wonder what was with the episode upson episode of LB. About 35 episodes in, I was watching one show when I saw the Princess Cruise Lines logo (our cruise line) on the ship in the show. I was pretty darn excited that I was on the love boat, and still 5 months later am having LB withdrawals.
Remember when I said that my parent’s would pay for pretty much everything minus what we spend on the ship? And how that seemed totally fine to me? See this picture below? That is the face of a girl who found out the last night of her cruise that SHE HAD RACKED UP AN $1,100 DOLLAR SHOP BILL. What? Huh? How?
Umm, wait a minute…
Call in the sisters to help me analyze… I only remember buying two rum punches??
Y’o.m.g y’all, I spent $1,100 buckaroos!
Well, I know partly how. It may have had something to do with one of the best ways I have spent my money in a long time, a $300 anti-cellulite treatment in the spa. What was going through my mind when I booked this? I don’t know. You know how you go on vacation and lose all sense of what is normal and reality. Obviously in that moment, I NEEDED the $300 cellulite treatment, because after the cruise no one would see me in a bikini until months later, so this totally made perfect sense.
Let me explain the cellulite treatment. You go into a little massage/ facial type room, get completely neked minus a pair of disposable undies, and a sweet technician hooks up EKG type probes to your problem areas. You lay down on a seaweed/ clay type mat thing to which the probes are attached, and she cranks up the power. It sends some sort of shock to your muscles, supposedly increasing blood flow and kicking out the toxins. Your muscles contract and release and IT HURTS. My sister did it as well, on her second treatment (we each did three), the technician left the room. My sister was in so much pain she started banging on the wall of the treatment room and screaming (that poor person who was getting a massage next door) and screaming until someone came to help her. At the end of the treatment, the technician would applaud you and say “Congratulations! you are down ⅛ of an inch! How do you feel?” Umm… like 10 probes caused my thigh fat to spasm uncontrollably for 30 minutes? It was, to say the least, not the wisest thing I’ve spend my money on in 2013.
On one of the stops the whole family decided to snorkel. Me, being lazy, and my sister, just beginning to recover from the flu, ended up just floating on our backs for a good 90% of our allotted snorkel time. Money well spent if you ask me.
When we got back to land after our snorkel outing, we hung out on the beach at Turks and Caicos for a bit before we got back on the ship. We grabbed a few beach chairs and enjoyed the view. Before I explain what happened next, let me give you some details. Last summer I went on a beach day trip with some girls from my church. I am not a huge reader, but I knew that I wanted to grab something light and breezy to have for the day. So I walked into Barnes & Noble, saw 50 Shades of Grey prominently advertised, so I picked it up. Honest to Gosh, this was my thought process: “Oh I’ve heard of that book. I have no idea what it’s about, but I hear it’s an easy read and a lot of people like it.” Swear, pinky promise, I had NO IDEA what it was about otherwise I would have never, ever read it, let alone bring it to a beach trip with friends from CHURCH of all places. Ok, back to the Turks and Caicos. I was now on book 3 of the 50 Shades Trilogy, against my better judgement, I continued to read it. YES, it is horrible writing. YES, it is disgusting. But I HAD to know what happened to Anastasia. (Still do, didn’t make it through book 3 by the end of the cruise). So there I am on the beach in T&C. I throw my 50 Shades book down on the beach chair. I leave for a few minutes because my dad made me go look at the astronaut exhibit (long story, just google Turks and Caicos and shuttle landing). So here I am walking back to the beach chair after looking at how Neil Armstrong had landed in the ocean or something or other, and I see my dad pick up my 50 Shades book and start reading at the spot I was currently on. Dear. God. No. Life went in to slow motion. I tried running but my legs weighed like 1,000 pounds. Please Lord, let him put it down. After what seemed like 8,000 hours, I make it back to him and hit it out of his hands. ”STOP. NOW.” I open it up to see what he had been reading. It was, of course, the absolute last page you would ever want your father to be reading. Seriously, there is some weird stuff in the trilogy, and this was one of the worst.
The book is so ridiculous, my sisters demanded ‘story time’ when we were back in our cabin. Several times throughout the cruise we would lay in our bunk beds and I would read aloud to them selected scenes from 50 shades. If you haven’t tried reading it aloud, you are in for a good laugh. It really is ridiculous.
And that concludes the Daniel Family Vacation 2012-2013. Hold onto your hats for next year!