Last week at church, I was standing in the lobby with my dad small talking with an acquaintance of his when all of a sudden a man grabbed my shoulders from behind and loudly whispered in my ear “YOU’RE HAVING A WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!” The man quickly darted off leaving my dad and his friend looking quizzically at me wondering what this man had just told me, and my mind racing wondering what on earth was wrong with my outfit… were my Spanx showing? Then I remembered from that morning when I was getting dressed and could only get my dress zipped up half of the way and I was going to get my dad to zip it up the rest of the way when he picked me up for church. Obviously I forgot until that moment. My dad quickly zipped me up right there in the lobby and then proceeded to spill the entirety of his coffee cup all over the floor.
A few years ago I was at a political meeting that was taking place in the private banquet room of a local restaurant. I was looking and feeling really cute in my polo and Madras skirt until a (male) waiter came up to me and whispered to me quietly “um, ma’am, are you aware that there is a large hole in the back of your skirt?” I grab my behind and quickly taking a mental count of how many politicians have now seen my panties. Waiter “And… um… everything… is… showing…”
The end. For now.