Lately

I’ve been so busy lately and have so much on my plate and I’m just exhausted and I think it’s showing.  Grad school + working full time plus everything else I have going on is no joke.  Wedding season is heating up so between the weddings I am getting paid for and the ones I am doing for free at my church, and a whole bunch of projects for my interior design classes, I’m plain tuckered out and not thinking clearly.  When I get overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to do I kind of just shut down and don’t do anything.

Anyways, the other day I was walking my dogs when a 8 year old-ish girl came out of her house with her own dog.  She asked if our dogs could play, I of course said yes.  I knew her dog was some type of poodle mix but I could not figure out what the other half was so I asked her.  “She’s half poodle half werewolf.”  “Oh wow that’s really cool, I’ve never seen one of those.”  I totally believed her that her dog was half werewolf.  I think I was thinking of how sometimes dogs breed with wild wolves?  I’m not quite sure but it was at the end of a long day and the girl said it so confidently.  I’m not sure if she knew if she was totally punking me or if she really truly believed her dog was half werewolf.  It wasn’t till I walked away that I was like “Wait, whaaat…?”

The other week I was leaving work and I was absolutely exhausted, physically and emotionally just drained.  My car was totally out of gas so I had to pull over to fill up.  A cute guy in a BMW pulled up at the pump next to me so I immediately got my act together and glanced him a little smile.  He smiled back at me, but it was kind of a sad smile which I didn’t get at the moment.  After a few seconds passed he shyly came up to me and said “ummm… miss, sorry to tell you this but you…ummm… might want to fix your skirt.”  The entire back of my dress was tucked into the top of my tights so my rear end was hanging out for the whole gas station to see.

So that’s what I’ve been up to.  I did run into a wall yesterday, but thankfully no one saw.  I’m really trying to find a schedule and balance life out so I can start posting regularly again because wedding season is coming on quick and I have double the weddings I had last year, which is a good thing.

Lemon out.

Falling Down, Chapter 4

The other week I was walking my dogs at night on the sidewalk that runs around my townhouse complex.  They went off in the grass to sniff something so I started over after them.  All I know is I was standing horizontal one minute and the next I was face flat on the ground and I had no idea what hit me.  My dogs gave me a look like “Umm we’re not with her” because they were obviously embarrassed by the crazy woman walking them who is incapable of standing up straight.  So I was just lying on my side face planted on the ground thinking “what on earth just happened?”  I then proceeded to get up but realized I couldn’t- I was kind of disoriented, I came down pretty hard and fast, and I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t stand up.  About then I realized it was because my foot and most of my leg and gone down into a pretty deep hole, almost up to my knee in the ground.  I literally had to pull my leg out of the hole to get up.

The worst part is is that it knocked the heel off one of my favorite pairs of boots and it’s setting me back $60 and putting them out of commission 3 weeks to fix them.  The next day I went to the scene of the crime to snap a pick for the property manager so they could fix the problem.

Just another day.

Welcome to Weight Watchers

Last Friday, the day after Thanksgiving was a really busy day.  I’m on weight watchers and taking it pretty seriously so for breakfast I had a literal measured out cup of oatmeal and then for lunch I had a measured out cup of vegetable soup.  I left work at 5:00 and sat on Route 7 Tysons corner traffic for an hour to get to my 6:00 weight watchers meeting.  By the time I got there, sat through the meeting, listened to everyone’s heroic tales of overcoming Thanksgiving, I was absolutely ravenous.  During the meeting all I could think of was “where is the closest food establishment where I can get food into my mouth in the quickest means possible.”  I knew there was a Taco Bell around the corner and Lord knows I love me some Taco Bell.  The whole time the leader was talking I was just thinking about the chicken quesadilla I would soon be eating and how if she didn’t hurry up and end soon I would start flipping tables over… monster Julie would emerge.  As soon as the meeting was over I was outta there and in the drive thru line in under two minutes flat.

As the drive thru guy was handing me my quesadilla and I was ripping open the packaging and stuffing the quesadilla into my mouth I noticed he was staring at my sadly.  That’s when I realized I still had on my big white name tag “Welcome to Weight Watchers my name is JULIE.”

He told me to have a good night… I was so flustered so I just ripped off the name tag and all I could think of to say was “nope.”  Absolutely no idea what that means or why I said that.

The end.

Just to give a glimpse of the person I turn into when I’m hungry, I give you Liz Lemon on 30 Rock:

Falling Down, Chapter 2

It’s taken about 3 years for me to gather up the courage to write this post because this is by far the most embarrassing and traumatizing moments of my life so far.  Worse than this.

It was the summer of 2007 and I had my first job out of college.  I was the campaign manager for a prominent state senator in Harrisonburg, Virginia where I had attended school (go dukes!).  In rural, southern Virginia parades are a big deal and if you are an elected official and especially if you are running for office it is very important that you have an entry in every parade.  So a huge part of my job was determining when all the parades in his district were that election season and making sure he was entered in the parade and he had a vehicle to decorate with his signs.

Once particular parade we used the senator’s SUV and attached a trailer to the back of it with a 4×8 campaign sign loaded on the trailer.  This was a big parade so there were a lot of fellow Republican legislators walking with us in the parade.  Several delegates and state senators from neighboring districts, the current congressman, attorney general and lieutenant governor will all there if I remember correctly.

We were milling around chatting waiting for the parade to start when my friend jokingly yells something like “go go go!” because the parade was starting and I was the one driving the car.  Joking back with him I hauled it to the car to get it started even though we were in no real hurry as it would take a few minutes for the parade to get going.  So as I was running really fast for no reason at all to get in the driver’s seat, I cut between the car and the trailer.  Attaching the trailer to the car was a metal bar, and as I jumped over the bar my foot caught on it, and then time just stopped.

I knew by how fast I was running and how hard my foot caught the bar that it was going to be bad.  For those few seconds it was as if time was suspended; I went forward in the air and then I was horizontal to the pavement for a moment.  As I was heaving forward I saw in slow motion all the parade-goers and elected officials mouths just open and all just stare at me.  And oh yeah, my coworker who I was in the early stages of a flirty/ not-quite-dating-cause-we’re-coworkers thing.  And then I just hit the pavement full-force and blacked out.  Next thing I knew I was being peeled off the pavement by my not boyfriend.  He got me on my feet and by then I really did need to get in the driver’s seat because it was just about time to go.

So suffice it to say I was mortified.  I am so glad I got to be alone for a few minutes in the car while everyone else walked in the parade.  While I was driving I covertly dialed my parent’s home phone; I didn’t want anyone to suspect I was remotely hurt physically or emotionally while in fact I was majorly bleeding and about to sob.  Both my dad and step-mom picked up the phone which I put on speaker and set on the seat of the car.  I’m not sure why but I didn’t want to tell them what just happened because I guess I thought people would see me talking and suspect I was upset.  So after they say hi all I could say over and over again in a loud whisper was “SOMETHING VERY BAD HAS JUST HAPPENED.   I CAN’T TALK ABOUT IT (holding back tears).  SOMETHING VERY BAD HAS JUST HAPPENED.   I CAN’T TALK ABOUT IT. ”  They were freaked out of course, thinking I had just been raped for was kidnapped or something.  The parade came to and end and I quickly got the blood cleaned up before getting out of the car.  One of the elected officials came up to me and said “Honey, are you sure you are ok?  You really hit the ground hard.  I told everyone ‘just don’t look, if you don’t look at her she’ll be fine.'”  I wanted so badly to just start crying but I casually responded “Oh yeah I’m great!”

And that is all.  For now.

 

 

Kimmy Gibbler

Many years ago, it must have been either middle school or high school, my dad and sisters and I were traveling back from Texas where we had been visiting my grandma.

We were going through the airport security when the TSA agent started freaking out at me.  “Oh my God, it’s Kimmy Gibbler! Oh my God!”  He got all his coworkers to come look at me.  Suffice it to say, I was mortified.  I have never heard the end of it from my sisters.

I hoped and prayed that this would never happen.  Fast forward a few years to sophomore year of college.  I was in Venezuela with my church on a missions project.  We met a bunch of the local Venezuelans that we would be serving with.  Then it happened.  “KEEEEMMYY!!  KEEEMMYY GEEBLER!!!”  You’d think in Venezuela I’d be safe, no?  No.

Of Course…

…my dad and I would show up at a 4th of July BBQ wearing the same exact thing.  Promise we didn’t plan this.  Pretty much set the tone for a very awkward evening…

Falling Down, Chapter 1

One summer during college I interned on the Hill for a member of Congress.  One of the main duties as a congressional intern is to give tours of the Capitol and the House Chambers.  I was often giving tours 3-4 times a day.  I had to buy grandma Aerosoles shoes due to the amount of walking I was doing, I’m sure I put in a few miles everyday.  I knew that tour like the back of my hand, all the secret tunnels underneath the Capitol… I can still spit out random facts about the Capitol on command… “Here is where there have been sightings of the mysterious ghost cat that roams the hallways of the Capitol…”

One fateful day I was leading my tour group out of the house chambers.  Our next step was to go down the stairs to get back to the tunnel which lead back to the Congressman’s office.  Now this is no ordinary stairwell… these stairs are original to the Capitol (read: a few hundred years old).  Think of the marble steps at a palace: grand, huge, overscale.  The marble was so worn from decades and decades of people walking on them that they were worn in the middle and sloped thus making them a little precarious to walk on.

There are thousands of people who come to visit the Capitol everyday, that particular day there were hundreds of 8th graders visiting… serioulsy hundreds lined up against the wall of the stairs all the way down and then down around the hall waiting to go up into the House Chamber.  I was trying to look like a super fine Congressional intern in front of the masses of pubescent 8th grade boys when suddenly, I’m not sure how but I lost my footing at the top of the steps. My feet came out from under me, my butt hit the top stair and I bumped and slid down every stair from the top of that grand staircase all the way to the bottom.  My cell phone and ID had flown out of my hands at the top of the stairs and my phone came apart to a few different pieces at the landing.  I landed on my butt, skirt flown up at the landing some 25 steps down in front of about 200 laughing 8th graders.  I could see them all pointing and laughing as what seemed to be me in slow motion bumping down step by step till I reached the bottom.  My tour group I was leading rushed to help me.  I pulled my skirt down, gathered my phone and finished off my tour acting as if I was totally fine.  They were very concerned and I really should have gone to lay down in the nurse’s office because I kind of blacked out a bit when I hit the bottom.

That night I had a black and blue bruise on my right hip/ rear the size of a cantoloupe… I took a picture of it at one point because I never ever bruise so this was quite strange for me to have a bruise, let along one so huge and dark.
I’m pretty sure it was this event that triggered my affinity to falling down, wiping out and losing my balance.  Ever since then gravity has not been good to me.

Swim Team Time

Summer is here, and it brings back many memories of swim team.

I hated swim team.

Like, my-sister-and-I-used-to-hide-in-the-shower-stalls-at-the-pool-and-cling-to-each-other-when-the-were-calling-our-name-over-the-loudspeaker-because-it-was-our-turn-to-race hate swim team.

True story.

I was bad at swimming.  Very, very bad.  Not playing at the pool swimming.  During the summer I lived at the pool… playing Marco Polo, Spider.  But competitive lap swimming?  No.

Our team had 3 levels, low, medium and advanced.  I was so bad, that I has demoted from the low level to be on a special team that consisted solely of me and a girl with cerebral palsy.

That is all.

Wardrobe Malfunction

Last week at church, I was standing in the lobby with my dad small talking with an acquaintance of his when all of a sudden a man grabbed my shoulders from behind and loudly whispered in my ear “YOU’RE HAVING A WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!”  The man quickly darted off leaving my dad and his friend looking quizzically at me wondering what this man had just told me, and my mind racing wondering what on earth was wrong with my outfit… were my Spanx showing?  Then I remembered from that morning when I was getting dressed and could only get my dress zipped up half of the way and I was going to get my dad to zip it up the rest of the way when he picked me up for church.  Obviously I forgot until that moment.  My dad quickly zipped me up right there in the lobby and then proceeded to spill the entirety of his coffee cup all over the floor.

A few years ago I was at a political meeting that was taking place in the private banquet room of a local restaurant.  I was looking and feeling really cute in my polo and Madras skirt until a (male) waiter came up to me and whispered to me quietly “um, ma’am, are you aware that there is a large hole in the back of your skirt?”  I grab my behind and quickly taking a mental count of how many politicians have now seen my panties.  Waiter “And… um… everything… is… showing…”

The end.  For now.