Chain Gang

When I was in middle school I took the kids I was babysitting (at their parents request) to a local park so they could go roller skating.  My normal MO when babysitting is to babysit in the evening to prevent having to do any outside or physically exerting activities.  The best deal is when the parents order a pizza and you can just put in a DVD for the kids.  Anyways, this was not the case at this point.

So I got the kids to the park which was totally empty expect for us.  The kids had been roller skating for a few minutes when a county jail paddy wagon pulls up, and out comes pouring a good 15-20 criminals in orange prison jumpsuits.  The one lone police officer gets out of the paddy wagon for a minute, looks around, I make eye contact with him in what I thought was a desperate plea for help and then he gets back in the car.  Uhhhh.  They all spot me and circle us picking up trash all around us all the time smiling, smirking and whistling at me.  Bollocks.  This is not the emergency situations you plan for when you are 13 and take babysitting 101 classes.  Suffice it to say I was relieved to have to cut that park outing short.  The kids had no idea what the problem was and were very upset when I scream/ whispered “WE ARE LEAVING NOOOOOW.  GET IN THE CAR NOOOOWWWWW.”

The end.


I’ve been so busy lately and have so much on my plate and I’m just exhausted and I think it’s showing.  Grad school + working full time plus everything else I have going on is no joke.  Wedding season is heating up so between the weddings I am getting paid for and the ones I am doing for free at my church, and a whole bunch of projects for my interior design classes, I’m plain tuckered out and not thinking clearly.  When I get overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to do I kind of just shut down and don’t do anything.

Anyways, the other day I was walking my dogs when a 8 year old-ish girl came out of her house with her own dog.  She asked if our dogs could play, I of course said yes.  I knew her dog was some type of poodle mix but I could not figure out what the other half was so I asked her.  “She’s half poodle half werewolf.”  “Oh wow that’s really cool, I’ve never seen one of those.”  I totally believed her that her dog was half werewolf.  I think I was thinking of how sometimes dogs breed with wild wolves?  I’m not quite sure but it was at the end of a long day and the girl said it so confidently.  I’m not sure if she knew if she was totally punking me or if she really truly believed her dog was half werewolf.  It wasn’t till I walked away that I was like “Wait, whaaat…?”

The other week I was leaving work and I was absolutely exhausted, physically and emotionally just drained.  My car was totally out of gas so I had to pull over to fill up.  A cute guy in a BMW pulled up at the pump next to me so I immediately got my act together and glanced him a little smile.  He smiled back at me, but it was kind of a sad smile which I didn’t get at the moment.  After a few seconds passed he shyly came up to me and said “ummm… miss, sorry to tell you this but you…ummm… might want to fix your skirt.”  The entire back of my dress was tucked into the top of my tights so my rear end was hanging out for the whole gas station to see.

So that’s what I’ve been up to.  I did run into a wall yesterday, but thankfully no one saw.  I’m really trying to find a schedule and balance life out so I can start posting regularly again because wedding season is coming on quick and I have double the weddings I had last year, which is a good thing.

Lemon out.

Thank You For Not Smoking

I’ve turned into that lady that yells at teenagers.  The other week I was at Panera and there were some teenagers talking very loudly and cursing up a storm not bothered by the fact that there were families with young kids all around.  I’m surprised that these parents didn’t say anything before I did- finally I looked at them and told them they needed to watch their language.

A few days later I was leaving the mall after seeing The Descendants with a friend and obviously in a bad mood as you would understand if you saw the movie (good movie, just sad).  When you walk out of the doors at my mall inevitably you are enveloped by a cloud of cigarette smoke as there are at any given moment at least two people smoking right by the door.  This is a huge pet peeve of mine- if you want to smoke fine, just do it somewhere else where I don’t have to breathe it in.  I even started harassing the mall’s facebook page a year or two ago saying stuff like “I love Tysons but I hate walking through a cloud of cigarette smoke every time I go to the mall.”  I’d like to take personal responsibility for them installing “NO SMOKING WITHIN 50 FEET OF THE ENTRANCE” signs right outside the doors.

So on this particular night after seeing The Descendants my friend and I were leaving the mall and what do you know, there were a handful of teenagers smoking directly underneath the no smoking sign.  Being in a not so great mood I was not going to tolerate their shenanigans so to my friend’s horror I stopped, looked at them, pointed at the no smoking sign and said “There’s no smoking within 50 feet of the building” to which the one teenager responded with something like “yeah whatever lady.”  Don’t mess with me.  I wanted to say “DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND- A WOMAN HAS JUST DIED.  A WOMAN.  HAS DIED.  OK?”  They don’t need to know it was in a movie.  So I just said to the kid “Some people have severe smoke allergies ok?” to which he rolled his eyes at me.  I don’t have severe smoke allergies, but that’s another thing he doesn’t need to know.

Still not feeling like I’d done my work for the evening, I decided to take it one step further.  I noticed one of the teenagers was wearing an AMC uniform (the movie theater in the mall).  I looked up the number for the theater and made my friend wait in the car before we left so I could call and rat out the smoking employees.  It took a good 10 minutes till I finally was able to get a live person on the phone but when I did she was very apologetic and told me the employees would be dealt with.


Falling Down, Chapter 4

The other week I was walking my dogs at night on the sidewalk that runs around my townhouse complex.  They went off in the grass to sniff something so I started over after them.  All I know is I was standing horizontal one minute and the next I was face flat on the ground and I had no idea what hit me.  My dogs gave me a look like “Umm we’re not with her” because they were obviously embarrassed by the crazy woman walking them who is incapable of standing up straight.  So I was just lying on my side face planted on the ground thinking “what on earth just happened?”  I then proceeded to get up but realized I couldn’t- I was kind of disoriented, I came down pretty hard and fast, and I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t stand up.  About then I realized it was because my foot and most of my leg and gone down into a pretty deep hole, almost up to my knee in the ground.  I literally had to pull my leg out of the hole to get up.

The worst part is is that it knocked the heel off one of my favorite pairs of boots and it’s setting me back $60 and putting them out of commission 3 weeks to fix them.  The next day I went to the scene of the crime to snap a pick for the property manager so they could fix the problem.

Just another day.

Falling Down, Chapter 3

In high school my sister Katherine and I went to see a movie at the local theater.  It was 2003 and I remember this because the movie Hulk was out and my sister and I thought it would be hilarious to get the Hulk sized popcorn…. aka the largest popcorn you can get, even larger than the largest popcorn you can normally get.  We didn’t see the Hulk, I don’t even remember what movie we did see because this story ends before we even got to our seats.

We got our Hulk sized popcorn and proceeded down the stairs to our movie.  I was carrying the popcorn and of course I tripped and fell all the way down the flight of stairs.  In the process of tripping the tub of popcorn flew in the air and the popcorn exploded out of it like an atomic bomb…. seriously it like went up 3 feet in the air and then out 4 feet before landing all over the floor, and on top of me, as I was now lying on the ground.  There were people everywhere and they all stopped and stared at me sprawled out on the floor.  I quickly got up, obviously very embarrassed.  I didn’t want all the complete strangers to think I tripped on my own accord so naturally I did what anyone would do, I slapped my sister and said “Katherine, OMG why did you push me?!?”   She looked so confused, she wasn’t sure whether to laugh, or to be mad because all the strangers were now giving her dirty looks for supposedly pushing me down the stairs.

I guess the saddest thing is we didn’t get to eat out of out Hulk sized popcorn tub.


Welcome to Weight Watchers

Last Friday, the day after Thanksgiving was a really busy day.  I’m on weight watchers and taking it pretty seriously so for breakfast I had a literal measured out cup of oatmeal and then for lunch I had a measured out cup of vegetable soup.  I left work at 5:00 and sat on Route 7 Tysons corner traffic for an hour to get to my 6:00 weight watchers meeting.  By the time I got there, sat through the meeting, listened to everyone’s heroic tales of overcoming Thanksgiving, I was absolutely ravenous.  During the meeting all I could think of was “where is the closest food establishment where I can get food into my mouth in the quickest means possible.”  I knew there was a Taco Bell around the corner and Lord knows I love me some Taco Bell.  The whole time the leader was talking I was just thinking about the chicken quesadilla I would soon be eating and how if she didn’t hurry up and end soon I would start flipping tables over… monster Julie would emerge.  As soon as the meeting was over I was outta there and in the drive thru line in under two minutes flat.

As the drive thru guy was handing me my quesadilla and I was ripping open the packaging and stuffing the quesadilla into my mouth I noticed he was staring at my sadly.  That’s when I realized I still had on my big white name tag “Welcome to Weight Watchers my name is JULIE.”

He told me to have a good night… I was so flustered so I just ripped off the name tag and all I could think of to say was “nope.”  Absolutely no idea what that means or why I said that.

The end.

Just to give a glimpse of the person I turn into when I’m hungry, I give you Liz Lemon on 30 Rock:

I Sat on the Chair

… and the chair broke.  Granted, when I sat down, I thought to myself…. I shouldn’t be sitting here, this is the really wobbly chair that I’ve nailed together and wood-glued a million times.  Still, though…  Any excuse for an IKEA trip :)

And Here Is… Her Therapist’s Phone Number?

Labor day weekend my family went to Kiawah Island, South Carolina for a long beach weekend and also to celebrate my sister’s thirtieth birthday.  My dad, sisters and I all arrived the day before my step-mom did so he sent us out with his credit card to go pick up a pizza for dinner and a few groceries for breakfast and lunch the next day.  On about 14 different occasions my step-mom had reminded us to do our grocery shopping at the Piggly Wiggly, not the the new fancy shmancy grocery store on the island.  Piggly Wiggly was a good 5 miles down the island and the new grocery store was so much nicer and closer…. total Whole Foods kinda deal.  So we promptly ignored her advice and stopped at the fancy grocery store because we were only picking up a few things.  I really don’t know what happened next, but somehow we ended up at the check out line at the bill came to $398.  For some reason or another my dad’s credit card got declined.  Both my sisters ran away.  I started having a freak out because I was right in the middle of closing one bank account and transferring all the money I had to my name to a completely different bank account and at the moment all my money was in limbo and I didn’t know which account it was in but I hadn’t planned on spending any money that weekend since I’d be with my family and they’d be paying.  So I stupidly charged $400 worth of groceries to the bank account which I had just transferred money out of, collected our groceries and headed to the car.

At this point my sisters and I were thinking “how on earth did that just happen?”  “Well, Claire, I’m not sure that a $9 jar of roasted red pepper dip is really necessary.  Neither is a pound of freshly sliced imported swiss cheese.”  So we sort through the groceries to figure out what we could return, which was most of it.  By this point I was just done.  My sister’s had ditched me at the check out line so I was letting them deal with returning everything.  I took out my driver’s license, debit card, and then I wanted to write down my pin number in case they needed it so I grabbed a random business card that was in my wallet and wrote in on the back of it.  My sisters proceeded in to return the groceries and came out 5 minutes later laughing.  The story goes that my sister Claire walked up to customer service and said “We spent too much money and need to return some things.  Here is the receipt.  Here is our sister’s driver’s license.  Here is her debit card.  And here is…. her therapist’s phone number?”  Apparently I had written my pin number on the back of my psychologists business card.

Should’ve gone to The Pig.

My First and Last TV Interview

I was interviewed recently by the local DC ABC 7 news about the competitiveness of the wedding market.  They story is, they called my boss asking if it was true that women booked venues for their weddings years in advance, not even being engaged.  So they wanted to talk to her to see if this really did happen.  Yes and no it does and does not happen, but to make a long story short she did agree to be interviewed but did say that one of her wedding planners (me) was not even dating anyone but already had her whole wedding planned out.  We were interviewed for about 10-15 minutes and as you can see a majority of it got cut and what was left is… just me.

Let me defend myself.  I am not a freak.  I am a wedding planner.  A planner.  I see pretty things I like.  All the time.  In my job.  So I write them down.  Over time this has accumulated to a google document titled “My Wedding” which you see me flipping though in the segment.  I really don’t think I’m any different than any other girl who has certain ideas or visions of her wedding in her head…. right?